The Louis of France and How to Tell Them Apart
24 January 2008
Louis X
The first of all the Louis, despite his moniker “the Tenth.”
In the days before Roman numerals were commonly understood, he was frequently referred to as Louis the Xth. Louis is given credit for joining the feuding city-states of Medieval France into a profitable chain of roadside convenience stops, and also for enlarging the number of things French people could refer to, by creating the masculine article, le.
Louis X sired two sons, Louis XI and Louis XI.5, who, in a terrible incident indicative of the education levels of the time, mistook the name cards at the table for the menus; they ordered each other and had completely devoured themselves before anyone realized the “gaffe.”
Louis XII
Known affectionately as Louis the Twelfth, except in French, of course. Louis as a boy already adopted a regal bearing. But he was forced to return it to the woodlands when it became listless in captivity and refused to eat. Always posterity-minded, Louis had built several sets of ruins to trick future historians. He is best remembered today for just treatment of the peasants (Ray and Clara Peasant, his brother and sister-in-law), curbing the excesses of the nobles (Clark and Langston Noble, proprietors of “Friendly Pawn”), and the twenty-six pound wide-mouth bass he caught at Lake Pomme de Terre in April, 1166.
Louis XIII
King of France, although not a Frenchman. He was in fact an Englishman with a penchant for croissants, and just got carried away. Louis was a good and wise king, much loved by his adoptive people, yet some aspects of the monarchy eluded him, partly due to the fact that he never learned the French language. As a boy, the term dauphin referring to the current King’s brother (and heir to the throne), was mistaken by the young Louis as dolphin, and he spent several formative years trying to find a surgeon who would implant a blowhole and a dorsal fin. No easy task considering the level of medical knowledge of the time!
Louis XIV
The famous “Sun King.” Louis began wielding supreme executive power at the tender age of twelve, which caused many of the French to confuse him with “Louis the Twelfth,” except in French, of course. Young Louis was present when his father, Louis XIII, had a sudden attack of some sort and stopped breathing. The boy attempted artificial blowhole to blowhole resuscitation, but it was too late. Well-respected by history for the transaction known to the French as The Louisiana Sale.
Louis Armstrong
Best known for ending France’s bloody war with Spain, bringing to an end the corrupt power of Cardinal Richlieu, saving the flagging economy of the nation, and the trumpet breaks on Back o’ Town Blues. Married Marie Antoinette after Louis XV, and, unfortunately, after she had been beheaded. Lost popularity when it was revealed that Bunny Berrigan had played trumpet on Back o’ Town Blues.
Louis XXIII
Just a guy. Not well known at all. Wears a crown, but who doesn’t these days? Holds court on Thursdays, but etiquette is noticeably lax.
The first of all the Louis, despite his moniker “the Tenth.”
In the days before Roman numerals were commonly understood, he was frequently referred to as Louis the Xth. Louis is given credit for joining the feuding city-states of Medieval France into a profitable chain of roadside convenience stops, and also for enlarging the number of things French people could refer to, by creating the masculine article, le.
Louis X sired two sons, Louis XI and Louis XI.5, who, in a terrible incident indicative of the education levels of the time, mistook the name cards at the table for the menus; they ordered each other and had completely devoured themselves before anyone realized the “gaffe.”
Known affectionately as Louis the Twelfth, except in French, of course. Louis as a boy already adopted a regal bearing. But he was forced to return it to the woodlands when it became listless in captivity and refused to eat. Always posterity-minded, Louis had built several sets of ruins to trick future historians. He is best remembered today for just treatment of the peasants (Ray and Clara Peasant, his brother and sister-in-law), curbing the excesses of the nobles (Clark and Langston Noble, proprietors of “Friendly Pawn”), and the twenty-six pound wide-mouth bass he caught at Lake Pomme de Terre in April, 1166.
Louis XIII
King of France, although not a Frenchman. He was in fact an Englishman with a penchant for croissants, and just got carried away. Louis was a good and wise king, much loved by his adoptive people, yet some aspects of the monarchy eluded him, partly due to the fact that he never learned the French language. As a boy, the term dauphin referring to the current King’s brother (and heir to the throne), was mistaken by the young Louis as dolphin, and he spent several formative years trying to find a surgeon who would implant a blowhole and a dorsal fin. No easy task considering the level of medical knowledge of the time!
The famous “Sun King.” Louis began wielding supreme executive power at the tender age of twelve, which caused many of the French to confuse him with “Louis the Twelfth,” except in French, of course. Young Louis was present when his father, Louis XIII, had a sudden attack of some sort and stopped breathing. The boy attempted artificial blowhole to blowhole resuscitation, but it was too late. Well-respected by history for the transaction known to the French as The Louisiana Sale.
Louis Armstrong
Best known for ending France’s bloody war with Spain, bringing to an end the corrupt power of Cardinal Richlieu, saving the flagging economy of the nation, and the trumpet breaks on Back o’ Town Blues. Married Marie Antoinette after Louis XV, and, unfortunately, after she had been beheaded. Lost popularity when it was revealed that Bunny Berrigan had played trumpet on Back o’ Town Blues.
Louis XXIII
Just a guy. Not well known at all. Wears a crown, but who doesn’t these days? Holds court on Thursdays, but etiquette is noticeably lax.
The Pigskin of Youth
22 June 2007
Ah, college! The rinky-tink of the
ukuleles, the clitter-clatter of the nickelodeons, the piercing
shrieks of the soon-to-be raccoon coats.
They were magical times, and I mean that almost literally,
considering how we were able to pass incorporeally through walls,
navigate the earth ectoplasmically, and communicate entirely via
thought transmission.
Of course, in today's world, what with "affirmative" action, things we once took for granted are, alas, no more.
Of all my college memories, none stands out more than the excitement of football!
Many think of football of that long-ago time as a "pigskin," and picture something, not unlike a pig, but inflated with air, being passed and punted around the field.
But, mind you, the game is called "football"! The item was not so much a pigskin, but an inflated human foot. Usually, a friend in "med" would be able to easily provide us with the necessary appendage, but in a bind, any freshman could be bribed (or forced!) to accommodate us with one of his own.
Although these freshmen were then unusable for playing football, we did have the number one hopscotch team in the state.
But more than studies, more than sport, it was the girls and their ha-cha-cha that made college special.
I had a girl named Hannah and little F-Model Scour-About that was made by the little-known Henderson Motor Company of Dort-Munder, Mich. She sucked down gas like you wouldn't believe, and coughed up tons of black exhaust, but she was my Hannah, and I'll never forget her.
There was a whole world of delights that this generation will never know: the wind-up phonograph; the wind-up telephone; and, perhaps most useful, the electrical winder.
Still I look back on those days, the mad chanting of an excited mob, their torches and pitchforks waving, the clatter of iron-rimmed wheels of a tumbrel on the cobblestone, the the almost silent swish of the guillotine--it is these, the simple pleasures that mean so much, and yet, which seem so very forgotten.
Of course, in today's world, what with "affirmative" action, things we once took for granted are, alas, no more.
Of all my college memories, none stands out more than the excitement of football!
Many think of football of that long-ago time as a "pigskin," and picture something, not unlike a pig, but inflated with air, being passed and punted around the field.
But, mind you, the game is called "football"! The item was not so much a pigskin, but an inflated human foot. Usually, a friend in "med" would be able to easily provide us with the necessary appendage, but in a bind, any freshman could be bribed (or forced!) to accommodate us with one of his own.
Although these freshmen were then unusable for playing football, we did have the number one hopscotch team in the state.
But more than studies, more than sport, it was the girls and their ha-cha-cha that made college special.
I had a girl named Hannah and little F-Model Scour-About that was made by the little-known Henderson Motor Company of Dort-Munder, Mich. She sucked down gas like you wouldn't believe, and coughed up tons of black exhaust, but she was my Hannah, and I'll never forget her.
There was a whole world of delights that this generation will never know: the wind-up phonograph; the wind-up telephone; and, perhaps most useful, the electrical winder.
Still I look back on those days, the mad chanting of an excited mob, their torches and pitchforks waving, the clatter of iron-rimmed wheels of a tumbrel on the cobblestone, the the almost silent swish of the guillotine--it is these, the simple pleasures that mean so much, and yet, which seem so very forgotten.
Louis Pasteur, Famous French Scientist, 1822-1895
21 June 2007
12 Jan.
Noticed body is covered with "dirt." Unpleasant.
16 Jan.
When I don new clothes, this “dirt” is transferred to them--thus soiling the clothes.
17 Jan.
If dirt can be transferred to clothing, could it not be removed from the body in some other way? Or is clothing key?
18 Jan.
Experiments underway. Instead of clothing, have covered myself with wood. Tomorrow I will know if wood will rub off the dirt.
19 Jan.
Failure. Upon removing wood, I found that not only was I still “dirty,” but that I had splinters in several embarrassing spots.
2 Feb.
Have decided to cover myself with tomato juice in attempt to remove dirt. Have ordered two barrels-full from Vienna.
12 Feb.
Success! By “laving” my body in tomato juice, I have succeeded in removing all dirt from my body. Unfortunately, I am now covered with tomato juice. I feel I am very close to a breakthrough.
13 Feb.
Encroyable! Remaining tomato juice on body actually attracts dirt. Still, feel that liquid, in some form, is essential.
4 March
I hesitate to be certain, but I believe I am finally "clean." I used plain water and a device I call the "washcloth" to wipe all surface pollutants away. I feel fresh and invigorated. The final test will be to try on new clothes.
4 March
(Evening) Dressed for dinner in new shirt, collar, and coat. Received many comments on "something different." Later I excitedly undressed in my laboratory and upon examination, my clothing was still clean!
6 June
Though I feel my washing system is a success, am experimenting with something I found in the maid's pantry. She calls it "soap."
8 July
Mother tells me people have been washing with soap and water for years and why wouldn't I listen to her before? I am despondent for I've already printed posters for the lecture tour. Regardless, I am happy to be clean, and I think right now I'll go ponder future experiments over a glass of milk.
Noticed body is covered with "dirt." Unpleasant.
16 Jan.
When I don new clothes, this “dirt” is transferred to them--thus soiling the clothes.
17 Jan.
If dirt can be transferred to clothing, could it not be removed from the body in some other way? Or is clothing key?
18 Jan.
Experiments underway. Instead of clothing, have covered myself with wood. Tomorrow I will know if wood will rub off the dirt.
19 Jan.
Failure. Upon removing wood, I found that not only was I still “dirty,” but that I had splinters in several embarrassing spots.
2 Feb.
Have decided to cover myself with tomato juice in attempt to remove dirt. Have ordered two barrels-full from Vienna.
12 Feb.
Success! By “laving” my body in tomato juice, I have succeeded in removing all dirt from my body. Unfortunately, I am now covered with tomato juice. I feel I am very close to a breakthrough.
13 Feb.
Encroyable! Remaining tomato juice on body actually attracts dirt. Still, feel that liquid, in some form, is essential.
4 March
I hesitate to be certain, but I believe I am finally "clean." I used plain water and a device I call the "washcloth" to wipe all surface pollutants away. I feel fresh and invigorated. The final test will be to try on new clothes.
4 March
(Evening) Dressed for dinner in new shirt, collar, and coat. Received many comments on "something different." Later I excitedly undressed in my laboratory and upon examination, my clothing was still clean!
6 June
Though I feel my washing system is a success, am experimenting with something I found in the maid's pantry. She calls it "soap."
8 July
Mother tells me people have been washing with soap and water for years and why wouldn't I listen to her before? I am despondent for I've already printed posters for the lecture tour. Regardless, I am happy to be clean, and I think right now I'll go ponder future experiments over a glass of milk.
The Martinez Bros.
07 February 2007
Whenever I look
back on the three Martinez Brothers, I think first of the
mustachioed Gordon, then the dapper "Jangles," and finally of the
mustachioed Gordon again. I can never remember the third
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